Cold water, Poison and Other Problematic Issues

Yesterday I finally faced my nemesis and failed with flying colors.

Everyone has a secret dread - something they don't want to think about; the headliner in the list of things that Should Never Happen. Of course, I have one too- and as a Hindu I am forced to face it. (I am in favor of converting - next birth of course. Can't do it in this one without considerable structural damage.)

And so it is that our water heater broke down.

There is admittedly a certain breed of people who revel in cold pellets raining down from merciless showerheads. I know this for sure because I am married to one. Every morning the man willingly sets the shower lever to 'C' and goes in smiling. I am not sure what happens next but it culminates in lusty singing. And then he jumps out a minute later- triumphant and a bit blue at the extremities.

Similar spectacularly puzzling behavior is also exhibited by birthing women who refuse epidurals, athletes who run 10 miles every morning and cooks who spend hours chopping fresh green beans.

I completely do NOT belong to this species of mammals. My genetic code demands a different ritual.

Appropriate showering etiquette is to run hot water until doors and mirrors get fogged over. In this sauna-like environment the bather should take a leisurely shower- humming soft notes and blowing wispy bubbles. When you finally step out, the skin should be a pretty pink (also known as the ‘boiled lobster’ look if you happen to like those). A handy thermometer should indicate a body temperature of at least 101. One caution: do keep a glass of water ready in case you get dizzy. An added advantage: Bathers have been known to lose a pound or two on good days.

So with the water heater gone kaput, I avoided showering for two days. Finally I knew I had to take the plunge when my three-year old noticed a stink. You know its serious when a three-year old boy notices something stinks.

The next morning I bided my time till the sun shone hot and high in Arizona. Then I turned on the shower. My skin broke out in allergic reaction. I swayed weakly and took a steadying swig of Benadryl. A faint ringing besieged my ears and I distinctly remember putting a toe into the water. To be honest the next few minutes are garbled and somewhat non-existent in my memory. The next clear recall I have is of standing in front of my vanity with a bottle of Poison in my hand. For a moment I panicked then realized it was the perfume. Things had not reached breaking point yet. I doused myself liberally with this genius creation, slicked my hair back and applied an extra layer of make-up.

As I said, I faced my nemesis and failed with flying colors.

And in case you are wondering, yes there is a happy ending. The water heater is being replaced even as I type. I have requested an hour off from office this afternoon to inaugurate it. I hope to land myself in hot water soon.