Saagar Manthan (The Churning of the Oceans)

The Hindu mythology tells the story of Saagar Manthan (The Churning of the Oceans). Once upon a time gods and demons came together and churned the milky oceans to find the elixir of life. Through that churning were born many things- great and small, noble and vile. Such is our life.

My Churning

For the first time in my life I am a stay-at-home mom. I have no classes to rush to, no meetings to attend, no paychecks coming in my name. Some days I wonder why I did not do this earlier. Other days I want to find a shrink and get my head examined.

I worked as a market researcher in the pharmaceutical industry for the past 9 years (since Jan 2000) – and 8 of those 9 years I worked from home. This industry thrives on the East coast, especially in the New Jersey/New York area. But my husband was based on Chandler, Arizona. So telecommuting was a good compromise as we began our married life in December 2000. I considered it a temporary arrangement while I settled down in Chandler. The plan was to find an on-site job within a year or so. But inertia set in and I decided to let things ride for some time. Soon we decided to have our first baby. Advait was born on August 5th 2003. After his birth, telecommuting became a logical solution to managing a baby and still keeping a full-time job. Advait did go to daycare but only for 3-4 hours. My husband had a 10 minute commute so he could drop him off late in the mornings and I worked East coast hours so I could wrap up by 3PM PST. I could earn a six-figure salary and still be home with my son by 4PM.

I should have been happy. But I was restless.

I was the only telecommuter in my office and was passed over for promotions again and again. I saw others who had joined the company at the same time as me rise up to managerial positions. I watched my husband flourish at his job and get promotions two years in a row. One a more emotional level I envied my friends who dressed up each morning and walked out of the house. I hung onto every story they regaled about fantastic social events happening in their office. I also tolerated endless jokes about people who ‘worked from home.’ I patiently pointed out my generous salary to friends and family who were not quite sure what I did at home. And to stop work at 3PM, I had to actually start working by 5AM! Not an easy task with a little one in tow.

All in all, I worked myself up into solid discontent.

So we decided we would move to California. We felt this would not only be good for Advait since we have lots of family in California but would also be a great move for our careers. The Silicon Valley is the final frontier for my husband who works in the computer industry and I had renewed hopes of getting a full-time on-site job in San Francisco, which cradles most bio-tech companies.

And that’s when we discovered we were expecting our second child. Torn between laughter and tears we postponed our plans for another year and settled down to welcome Vedant.

Vedant was born on November 15th, 2005. We spent an idyllic year in Chandler after his birth. I needed to get back to work but we could now afford a full-time nanny, Shawna, who also helped around the house. Shawna and I became very good friends. It was wonderful to have someone to chat with during breaks. It was equally wonderful to hear Vedant gurgling and playing downstairs all day. People told me I was lucky. Indeed I must have been. But at heart I was still restless.

And so in November of 2006 we moved to California, San Ramon.

Our family welcomed us with open arms. The kids were now 1 and 3 years old. Neither of them were babies. I felt the most challenging part of parenting was behind us. After all we were finally sleeping through the nights (yes I can see experienced parents laughing right now!). I felt I could now put the kids in daycare and get out of the house. I found a new job with great ease. It was another company on the East coast so I still worked from home for the most part but they had a West coast team as well. So there was the promise of flying out for onsite meetings, driving to San Francisco for client meetings, travelling to conferences for important presentations. I was given the title of Associate Vice President of West Coast research. I was on a high! I discovered I excelled at client servicing. Every project I touched turned to gold- we got repeat business, new business, glowing referrals. My team was on a roll and I was in the driver’s seat.

But now the hours got longer. And the work became high pressure. With all this responsibility came impossible deadlines and enormous amounts of politics. Having worked almost solo for almost 6 years, I was blown away by the ugly e-mails, friction filled meetings and barbed back-biting. And as the year progressed I realized I was still very much treated as a telecommuter- the only difference was we were now 3 of us on the West coast- all ignored by the main mother ship. So I was restless again! This is bad I finally cried to my husband one night. All this politics! No training. No development. And still sitting at home! I really hated it when friends caught up with me after years of silence and started their greeting with ‘Hi! Still working from home?’

So once again things were in a flux. I quit this job and within a week I had another one at hand. That was certainly a great boost for my ego! And this time, it was a truly an on-site, full time position in San Francisco. In fact I went from no commute to an almost 2 hour commute each way. I had a 20 minute drive to the BART station, then a 45 minute ride into the city, then another 20 minute ride by MUNI to my office. And god forbid if I missed any connecting train, things could get really crazy.

In the mornings I left for work before anyone was up. On good days I could get back in time to pick my children up from daycare by 6:30 PM, but on most days I just managed to get back home in time to tuck them into bed. At office things were more hectic than ever. This new job was with a consulting firm vs. a traditional market research firm. To the uninitiated, let me explain, there is a world of difference between the two. The former has crazier deadlines, works 24 hours around the clock- and has a do-it-all-yourself structure – which basically means there is no team to hand off any phase of your project work. I was also relegated to being behind a desk most of the times vs. servicing clients, which I loved best and really excelled at. And to top it all, it was a start-up with a current staff of three young earnest girls. There was no talk or laughter during the day. All of us sat in our cubicles working furiously for hours until it was time to go home; There was no fancy social life as I had imagined. I also felt awkward leaving the office at 6 PM. The other girls came in before me by 7AM and left after me at 10 PM. They were young, single and without kids. I felt like an old Cadillac trying to race against two hip Mustangs!

Did I not know what I was heading into? Of course I had an inkling! But I was so delighted at the prospect of finally stepping out, that I ignored every word of caution uttered by any well-wisher. At that time I was determined to succeed. I actually lasted all of 4 months.

Meanwhile my husband, who worked the same hours as I did, put away his laptop on most evenings and took charge of the house. While I fretted and fumed over a report due the next day, he fed the kids dinner. While I typed up a client response, he read them stories. While I finally dropped into bed exhausted, he cleaned away the kitchen and planned next morning’s breakfast. Even on the weekends as I worked and worked, he took the kids to swim classes, cooked Sunday brunches and played with them all day. And never once did I hear him complain. He understood this was important to me - and accepted it peacefully.

But now in my heart reared something more powerful and painful than any discontent I had ever experienced before. I hated being away from my kids day after day. I missed their faces in the mornings. I missed their hugs in the afternoons. I was absent from their school parties, I could not take them to play dates anymore. We only had weekends in which to cram in homework, co-curricular classes as well as precious family time. All the things I had taken for granted earlier, were now so difficult to accomplish! Our house was running purely on my husband’s ability to sustain.

The final straw came, with diabolic luck, on the day I was slated for my 3-month review. It was the meeting in which I would be accorded permanent employee status. Just as I pulled out of the garage at 5:30 AM, Advait came running out of the house. He was bawling his head off. I leapt out of my car in alarm. I just want to see you, I just want to see you, he cried, hugging me tight. How I got to the office that day, I do not know. I cried and howled all morning and in the review I acknowledged things did not look too good. And finally two weeks later I resigned from my job. That was February 2009.

Right around the time I resigned I got another rude shock. I attended back-to-back parent teacher meetings for both my kids. Teachers at both schools remarked on their lack of self-discipline, their rowdy behavior and their restless attitudes. Take him home earlier, urged my younger one’s pre-school teacher. Let him be with you, let him be in the house around you. She was asking me to calm him down.

I was angry and resentful. There are so many kids in daycare! They all looked fine to me! And in response the teacher said something I will never forget- Yes there are, she said. But we are talking about your child and what he needs.

My husband and I thought things over. We knew one of us needed to slow down- the kids needed us. After much soul searching I decided I should step up to the plate. So I postponed my job hunt. For the first time ever I focused on my children with complete attention. I reduced their daycare hours and established firm routines for work and play. I let them do chores around the house and worked with their teachers to define a system of daily checks and rewards. I served them milk as they played outside; I gave them time outs when they broke house rules. At first my children were decidedly confused. They were not sure what to do around me or the house. Then with enviable equanimity, they quickly adjusted and welcomed me home.

And lo! Suddenly! I was at peace.I did not know I could be this content. I was hugely astonished. And not a little dismayed and ashamed! Growing up in a staunchly feminist household, this was the last thing I imagined would give me comfort. I worried about my family's reaction, I feared my friends' ridicule. And then I think with wisdom born of despair, if not experience, I decided, for once, to follow my heart. At stake was not just my pride or sanity- it was my family's peace and happiness. It was time to give back a little of what I had taken from them over the past two years of constant turmoil.

So now I don’t know what the future holds. I certainly don’t wish for a full-time job that will pull me away from my kids again. It’s a joy to see them happy and relaxed instead of being hurried to daycares and back! Perhaps I will get a part-time job. Perhaps I will go back to school for higher studies. Perhaps I will do no more (and no less) than manage my house and kids, full-time.

While all this mulling hasn’t got me an answer yet, it has certainly given me some insights. I call them my emerging elixir.

My Emerging Elixir

To understand and accept- I finally understand and accept that I have responsibilities more demanding than any corporate job and more urgent than any personal ambition. It takes a lifetime of hard work to raise decent, healthy children. I cannot and should not hope to switch off anytime soon. I also accept that everyone’s life flows in different patterns and at different speeds. Every family has their own needs; every child has his/her requirement, every person has their own distinct desire and destiny. I must never, ever forget that. Just because most people behave in a certain way, does not automatically make it the best choice for every individual. I must never hesitate to go off the beaten path if I truly think it’s the better one.

I also understand and accept that what I am today is not necessarily what I will be tomorrow or what I was in the past. We are all forever morphing; our motives, priorities, fears, desire, ambitions, needs are all ever-changing. It’s important to accept that change and allow it. It’s important to not box yourself into stereotypical roles and saddle yourself with lifelong labels. Life churns constantly- we respond to each situation like a chameleon changes colors. No color is ever permanent- but all colors are beautiful. Enjoy the color you are today- and don’t worry you are stuck with it for life. You will likely change color pretty soon- even if by just a shade.

To appreciate: I now take time to appreciate. I appreciate my life. I am grateful I have the luxury to make errors and rectify them; I am thankful I always have a choice. There are millions who live lives forced by circumstances; who don’t have a choice regarding which path they tread; who don’t have children to love and protect; who don’t have marriages replete with unfaltering loyalty and respect. How did I forget to be thankful for all that I have?

To trust and be patient: So far life has not brought me a single moment that has been utterly destructive. Even in my darkest moments I have been granted strength and compassion. Life has taught me to trust her- and trust her I will! So even when the benefits are not obvious or immediate, I must be patient and persist with the right actions,trusting that things will always work out. Life shifts patterns relentlessly, falling into alternating tableaus of hope and despair. We should try to play along, trusting that the scene will change again soon.

All right! I think I have said enough. I am going to sign off now- with one last thought. I spent a lot of time worrying over what was important to me. The day I changed tracks and thought instead about who was important to me, things became much simpler, if not easier.