A cross by the street that is bleeding all day
A moon that is dulled by smokes of dismay
The lotus is dead in a still pond of grief
Murder, murder, fanatic belief.
Home with no dad, he lies at work dead
Life without ma, she wouldn’t drape head
Hungry he searches vain through the nights
His brimming eyes aided by flickering streetlights.
The end of the world is perhaps not yet near
But much of it drowned in his fallen tear.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
The Work Out
THE WORK OUT
Biting back tears Ashwini turned to the cook-top and attacked her rotis. For a minute the expectant dining table and the toy-strewn floor disappeared as she imagined the dollop of dough to be Rajan’s head, which she deftly flattened with her rolling pin. She watched, fascinated, as the dough ballooned into a perfect circle—much like Rajan’s face, she noted. Then with a final smack Ashwini threw it onto the heated pan and let it brown in agony.
“Am I going to get one or is it all for Ash?” Rajan’s nasal sarcasm. Her tears overflowed. To a casual listener it was just a pet name but the nickname fell on the floor, gasping under the weight of their dead romance. Once Rajan had called her ‘Ash’ in molten whispers, proudly claiming she was the ‘real thing’ and the one on the screen was a mere namesake. Such was the beauty of his slender wife. Then Naina was born and the nickname turned into an acid spray, thrown at her face each time Rajan felt cheated. Her softly plump body and her milk-swelled breasts were not part of the nuptial promises exchanged in the heat of that night three years ago.
“I don’t understand what’s wrong with you.” Rajan resumed his nagging monologue as Ashwini served dinner. “ Look at Aruna! She looks just the same as she was the day she got married! Why is it so difficult? Sach! I am more worried about your health than anything else.”
Ashwini sought refuge in her roti again, this time to hide her scorn. But she kept her silence. Three hard years in an alien country had helped tame her impetuous temper. There was nowhere to go, no one to turn to. The cold banks of snow outside stood stern guardians to her lonely life. She often tried to remember the madness that had made her drop her art career in Pune and move to Princeton to be with Rajan. Nowadays she could not think that far back.
“Hmmm….Aruna does look good doesn’t she?” Something in Rajan’s tone made her look up sharply. The urge to snap back and confront became unbearable. She opened the tap and let cold water run over her burning fingertips.
“Kailash is a lucky lucky man.” The wistful regret finally seared through Ashwini.
“ACCCHA! Aruna looks really good haan ??!!?? You know why? She has a maid who comes in thrice a week to clean her house. She has a personal trainer who gives her two-hour sessions twice a week! For God’s sake she has a nanny to watch her kid while she is doing all this… OF COURSE she looks good. Maybe if you brought in as much as Kailash, I WOULD LOOK AS GOOD AS ARUNA!!!! And just for my information, how good does Aruna look? Care to tell me what’s going on? Hey bhagwaan, I am sick of this life, sick of you, sick of this country…you are driving me CRAZY. You don’t like who I am? Then why stay married to me. Go marry Aruna. I’m DONE.” The flight and crash of a startled bowl punctuated her fury. Then a deafening silence seeped into the room, slowing down everything—even the seconds ticking away on the microwave’s dial.
A small whimper from the corner reminded her of the innocent witness. Ashwini threw down her apron and ran over to the baby cowering in the playpen. Cooing softly she picked up Naina and exited the room.
************************************************************************
Rajan was stunned. What just happened? He sat frozen at the dinner table time, a half-eaten morsel sticking persistently to his fingers.
As the shock subsided, he was even more incredulous at his reaction. Was he actually feeling happy? Yes! That was a smile on his face. Even though he was taken aback by the force of her outlash, yet he felt a curious satisfaction in having finally provoked her out of silence. That annoying wall of calm had finally crashed. And it was delightful to think she was actually jealous…Ashwini jealous!!?!! The ice maiden of all times had melted and how! He got up chuckling, hugely buoyed by the thought.
***********************************************************************
The doorknob clicked softly behind her. “Here goes,” she thought. If backs could speak, Ashwini’s back was a piteous mixture of apprehension, defiance and vulnerability. For a minute Rajan was tempted to put his arms around her and make passionate love. Then his eyes fell on the small brown arm circling her waist, resting on the gentle bulge apparent under her shirt and the desire fled. Yet, in a moment where he would have normally reacted brutally, he was benevolent, mellowed by his triumph. He laid a hand on her shoulder and turned her around and was further gratified to see the relieved surprise in her eyes.
Keeping his voice low so as not to wake the baby he asked “What do you want Ashwini? Do you need some free time? A workout? Let me help you. Tell me what you need. Lets make this work. You know you can do it. I am here for you. Just tell me anything you need.”
Ashwini could only stare dumbly at her husband. What was this? What was this new ploy? She grappled with the unexpected and was hopelessly defeated. She continued to stare mutely at Rajan.
Irritation flared in Rajan’s face as he mistook her surprise was habitual silence. Desperate that she was going to shut him out again, anxious to see he still held power over her, hoping he was finally going to motivate her to some action, he tumbled into speech – hurried, tender and made promises he regretted when sanity returned.
But the upshot of it was that it was decided (mostly by Rajan) that Ashwini would get a membership at the local gym and work out three evenings. And for that, Rajan would forgo his evening with ‘the boys’ and instead be home with Naina. In fact, he even went so far as to venture he could consider cooking dinner.
Head spinning, Ashwini felt a warm glow spread over her. Perhaps he did genuinely care for her. Perhaps she was wrong to feel his love was conditional. Perhaps she should apologize for her outburst.
She turned to him and but was stopped in her tracks as Rajan continued “ Ah! Yes, no problem. I just want my Ash back. You don’t know how tough this past year has been. Your pregnancy and the birth and all that jhamela. But it will be ok now. God! I can’t wait to see the look on Kailash’s face when he sees you. You know what, one kid is enough! I don’t think I could deal with another…Hum Do Humara Ek …eh????” And winking lewdly at her, chuckling at his wit, Rajan went back to finish his dinner.
Ashwini smiled sadly. So nothing had changed. In a way this was simpler, easier. But now she had to go the gym and train like a prized poodle. Lying down on the bed next to Naina, she wondered how to get out of it. Drowsily she turned over plans. By the time her stomach rumbled a plea for dinner, she was deep in exhausted sleep.
************************************************************************
“Bye sweetheart,” Ashwini sent a kiss flying straight to Naina and closed the door behind her. Too late she realized she had not said anything to Rajan. She hesitated but then turned and hurried down the stairs, half afraid of what she would find if she went back.
It was a beautiful Monday evening. Crisp air, watery sunshine fading slowly. Princeton was fresh, cold, beautiful. Striding along in her red jacket Ashwini felt more vibrant, alive. Old-fashioned street lamps were flickering on as darkness descended. Students spilled out of libraries and coffee shops and prepared to go home. She stopped to look into the wide, dimly lit window of an Italian restaurant. Watching diners forming graceful tableaus, their silver glittering against white table cloths, candle light teasing rosy glows into smiling cheeks. For the first time in a long time, Ashwini longed for her paint brush.
Sighing she headed on and finally found herself face to face with a tall brick building. Could this be the correct address? But something was wrong. There was a crowd around the front door and fire alarms were jangling. Someone informed her a fire drill was going on. Damn 9/11 he said and disappeared.
Ashwini waited patiently. With languid interest she observed as more people filed onto the street. Another woman in tight pink leotards informed her that the class would still be held, but would be delayed by an hour. Ashwini thanked her and looked around wondering what she could do meanwhile. Her eyes were drawn to a small bar under the level of the pavement. One could only make out half arcs for heads as people swirled around, underground. Something in the secrecy of the place appealed to Ashiwni. She decided to go in.
************************************************************************
“…And what would you like to drink this evening?” the waiter asked with amazing cheerfulness. Ashwini looked down confusedly at the menu in her hands and then felt irritated by her awkwardness. “A glass of the house red, please” she said, smoothly closing the book shut and giving it over to the waiting hand. “Oh and can I get a glass of water?” “Sure!” the young student prepared to move.
“Oh can I get some lemon in my water? If its not too much bother…..”
“Anything for a pretty lady like you,” the student disappeared into a mulling cloud of waiters, leaving behind a bemused Ashwini. Could it be possible he was actually flirting with her? The thought amused her and was more than a little appealing.
The next time he brought out her wine, she took an extra hard look at him, blushing when he caught her eye with a mocking smile. He was not a student she decided. The crow feet around his eyes belied his youthful looks. He is almost my age, she realized and then blushed again, even more violently, as he winked at her from across the room.
She sat for an hour in a quiet corner of the room, softening under the warmth of her wine and the smiling waiter. She did not speak a word, never once looked around the room. She was cocooned inside a crystal glass served with a mischievous look. There was some enchantment in that bar that she was not willing to analyze. As the clock chimed eight she steeled her senses again and knew it was time to leave. She looked around for her waiter but he was nowhere to be seen. Another waiter answered her wave and got her the check.
She opened the check-book and a grin spread through her face. A brochure of Princeton lay tucked into the black leather. Two words were scrawled against its face “For Tomorrow.” That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet it set every nerve in Ashiwni’s body tingling with anticipation. Whether it was an invitation or a directive, the brochure promised adventure. It tempted her to make friends with this foreign land. It reminded her she had made no attempt to explore her new home.
Paying by cash, she left behind no tip. Instead she wrote ‘thank you’ on a white scrap of napkin and tucked it where the brochure had been.
************************************************************************
Rajan watched in satisfaction as Ashwini sashayed around the kitchen making rotis. She was humming lightly under her breath and even laughed out loud once at a wise crack from Jay Leno.
“Its all in the endorphins you know” he called after her as she went over to the fridge to get out the yoghurt.
“Huh?” Ashwini looked up confused.
“Its all the endorphins released by the exercise. Look at you. You look almost pretty. I am so glad you had your work out.”
Ashwini nodded docilely and reconciled her expression into obedient delight. She crossed over to him and planted a kiss on his cheek “Yes, I am glad I worked it out too. Thank you.” She went back to the cooking range. Rajan settled into a contented meal.
*********************************************************************
He was bound to figure it out some day. Soon he would realize she was not working out.
OR, she thought smiling devilishly as she added a huge dollop of ghee to his daal, or perhaps by then he could very well have something he would need to work out himself!
Biting back tears Ashwini turned to the cook-top and attacked her rotis. For a minute the expectant dining table and the toy-strewn floor disappeared as she imagined the dollop of dough to be Rajan’s head, which she deftly flattened with her rolling pin. She watched, fascinated, as the dough ballooned into a perfect circle—much like Rajan’s face, she noted. Then with a final smack Ashwini threw it onto the heated pan and let it brown in agony.
“Am I going to get one or is it all for Ash?” Rajan’s nasal sarcasm. Her tears overflowed. To a casual listener it was just a pet name but the nickname fell on the floor, gasping under the weight of their dead romance. Once Rajan had called her ‘Ash’ in molten whispers, proudly claiming she was the ‘real thing’ and the one on the screen was a mere namesake. Such was the beauty of his slender wife. Then Naina was born and the nickname turned into an acid spray, thrown at her face each time Rajan felt cheated. Her softly plump body and her milk-swelled breasts were not part of the nuptial promises exchanged in the heat of that night three years ago.
“I don’t understand what’s wrong with you.” Rajan resumed his nagging monologue as Ashwini served dinner. “ Look at Aruna! She looks just the same as she was the day she got married! Why is it so difficult? Sach! I am more worried about your health than anything else.”
Ashwini sought refuge in her roti again, this time to hide her scorn. But she kept her silence. Three hard years in an alien country had helped tame her impetuous temper. There was nowhere to go, no one to turn to. The cold banks of snow outside stood stern guardians to her lonely life. She often tried to remember the madness that had made her drop her art career in Pune and move to Princeton to be with Rajan. Nowadays she could not think that far back.
“Hmmm….Aruna does look good doesn’t she?” Something in Rajan’s tone made her look up sharply. The urge to snap back and confront became unbearable. She opened the tap and let cold water run over her burning fingertips.
“Kailash is a lucky lucky man.” The wistful regret finally seared through Ashwini.
“ACCCHA! Aruna looks really good haan ??!!?? You know why? She has a maid who comes in thrice a week to clean her house. She has a personal trainer who gives her two-hour sessions twice a week! For God’s sake she has a nanny to watch her kid while she is doing all this… OF COURSE she looks good. Maybe if you brought in as much as Kailash, I WOULD LOOK AS GOOD AS ARUNA!!!! And just for my information, how good does Aruna look? Care to tell me what’s going on? Hey bhagwaan, I am sick of this life, sick of you, sick of this country…you are driving me CRAZY. You don’t like who I am? Then why stay married to me. Go marry Aruna. I’m DONE.” The flight and crash of a startled bowl punctuated her fury. Then a deafening silence seeped into the room, slowing down everything—even the seconds ticking away on the microwave’s dial.
A small whimper from the corner reminded her of the innocent witness. Ashwini threw down her apron and ran over to the baby cowering in the playpen. Cooing softly she picked up Naina and exited the room.
************************************************************************
Rajan was stunned. What just happened? He sat frozen at the dinner table time, a half-eaten morsel sticking persistently to his fingers.
As the shock subsided, he was even more incredulous at his reaction. Was he actually feeling happy? Yes! That was a smile on his face. Even though he was taken aback by the force of her outlash, yet he felt a curious satisfaction in having finally provoked her out of silence. That annoying wall of calm had finally crashed. And it was delightful to think she was actually jealous…Ashwini jealous!!?!! The ice maiden of all times had melted and how! He got up chuckling, hugely buoyed by the thought.
***********************************************************************
The doorknob clicked softly behind her. “Here goes,” she thought. If backs could speak, Ashwini’s back was a piteous mixture of apprehension, defiance and vulnerability. For a minute Rajan was tempted to put his arms around her and make passionate love. Then his eyes fell on the small brown arm circling her waist, resting on the gentle bulge apparent under her shirt and the desire fled. Yet, in a moment where he would have normally reacted brutally, he was benevolent, mellowed by his triumph. He laid a hand on her shoulder and turned her around and was further gratified to see the relieved surprise in her eyes.
Keeping his voice low so as not to wake the baby he asked “What do you want Ashwini? Do you need some free time? A workout? Let me help you. Tell me what you need. Lets make this work. You know you can do it. I am here for you. Just tell me anything you need.”
Ashwini could only stare dumbly at her husband. What was this? What was this new ploy? She grappled with the unexpected and was hopelessly defeated. She continued to stare mutely at Rajan.
Irritation flared in Rajan’s face as he mistook her surprise was habitual silence. Desperate that she was going to shut him out again, anxious to see he still held power over her, hoping he was finally going to motivate her to some action, he tumbled into speech – hurried, tender and made promises he regretted when sanity returned.
But the upshot of it was that it was decided (mostly by Rajan) that Ashwini would get a membership at the local gym and work out three evenings. And for that, Rajan would forgo his evening with ‘the boys’ and instead be home with Naina. In fact, he even went so far as to venture he could consider cooking dinner.
Head spinning, Ashwini felt a warm glow spread over her. Perhaps he did genuinely care for her. Perhaps she was wrong to feel his love was conditional. Perhaps she should apologize for her outburst.
She turned to him and but was stopped in her tracks as Rajan continued “ Ah! Yes, no problem. I just want my Ash back. You don’t know how tough this past year has been. Your pregnancy and the birth and all that jhamela. But it will be ok now. God! I can’t wait to see the look on Kailash’s face when he sees you. You know what, one kid is enough! I don’t think I could deal with another…Hum Do Humara Ek …eh????” And winking lewdly at her, chuckling at his wit, Rajan went back to finish his dinner.
Ashwini smiled sadly. So nothing had changed. In a way this was simpler, easier. But now she had to go the gym and train like a prized poodle. Lying down on the bed next to Naina, she wondered how to get out of it. Drowsily she turned over plans. By the time her stomach rumbled a plea for dinner, she was deep in exhausted sleep.
************************************************************************
“Bye sweetheart,” Ashwini sent a kiss flying straight to Naina and closed the door behind her. Too late she realized she had not said anything to Rajan. She hesitated but then turned and hurried down the stairs, half afraid of what she would find if she went back.
It was a beautiful Monday evening. Crisp air, watery sunshine fading slowly. Princeton was fresh, cold, beautiful. Striding along in her red jacket Ashwini felt more vibrant, alive. Old-fashioned street lamps were flickering on as darkness descended. Students spilled out of libraries and coffee shops and prepared to go home. She stopped to look into the wide, dimly lit window of an Italian restaurant. Watching diners forming graceful tableaus, their silver glittering against white table cloths, candle light teasing rosy glows into smiling cheeks. For the first time in a long time, Ashwini longed for her paint brush.
Sighing she headed on and finally found herself face to face with a tall brick building. Could this be the correct address? But something was wrong. There was a crowd around the front door and fire alarms were jangling. Someone informed her a fire drill was going on. Damn 9/11 he said and disappeared.
Ashwini waited patiently. With languid interest she observed as more people filed onto the street. Another woman in tight pink leotards informed her that the class would still be held, but would be delayed by an hour. Ashwini thanked her and looked around wondering what she could do meanwhile. Her eyes were drawn to a small bar under the level of the pavement. One could only make out half arcs for heads as people swirled around, underground. Something in the secrecy of the place appealed to Ashiwni. She decided to go in.
************************************************************************
“…And what would you like to drink this evening?” the waiter asked with amazing cheerfulness. Ashwini looked down confusedly at the menu in her hands and then felt irritated by her awkwardness. “A glass of the house red, please” she said, smoothly closing the book shut and giving it over to the waiting hand. “Oh and can I get a glass of water?” “Sure!” the young student prepared to move.
“Oh can I get some lemon in my water? If its not too much bother…..”
“Anything for a pretty lady like you,” the student disappeared into a mulling cloud of waiters, leaving behind a bemused Ashwini. Could it be possible he was actually flirting with her? The thought amused her and was more than a little appealing.
The next time he brought out her wine, she took an extra hard look at him, blushing when he caught her eye with a mocking smile. He was not a student she decided. The crow feet around his eyes belied his youthful looks. He is almost my age, she realized and then blushed again, even more violently, as he winked at her from across the room.
She sat for an hour in a quiet corner of the room, softening under the warmth of her wine and the smiling waiter. She did not speak a word, never once looked around the room. She was cocooned inside a crystal glass served with a mischievous look. There was some enchantment in that bar that she was not willing to analyze. As the clock chimed eight she steeled her senses again and knew it was time to leave. She looked around for her waiter but he was nowhere to be seen. Another waiter answered her wave and got her the check.
She opened the check-book and a grin spread through her face. A brochure of Princeton lay tucked into the black leather. Two words were scrawled against its face “For Tomorrow.” That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet it set every nerve in Ashiwni’s body tingling with anticipation. Whether it was an invitation or a directive, the brochure promised adventure. It tempted her to make friends with this foreign land. It reminded her she had made no attempt to explore her new home.
Paying by cash, she left behind no tip. Instead she wrote ‘thank you’ on a white scrap of napkin and tucked it where the brochure had been.
************************************************************************
Rajan watched in satisfaction as Ashwini sashayed around the kitchen making rotis. She was humming lightly under her breath and even laughed out loud once at a wise crack from Jay Leno.
“Its all in the endorphins you know” he called after her as she went over to the fridge to get out the yoghurt.
“Huh?” Ashwini looked up confused.
“Its all the endorphins released by the exercise. Look at you. You look almost pretty. I am so glad you had your work out.”
Ashwini nodded docilely and reconciled her expression into obedient delight. She crossed over to him and planted a kiss on his cheek “Yes, I am glad I worked it out too. Thank you.” She went back to the cooking range. Rajan settled into a contented meal.
*********************************************************************
He was bound to figure it out some day. Soon he would realize she was not working out.
OR, she thought smiling devilishly as she added a huge dollop of ghee to his daal, or perhaps by then he could very well have something he would need to work out himself!
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